Soft Skills or Power Habits?
8 Habits of Successful & Satisfied People
I’ve been immersed in the study of well-being for most of my adult life. It’s hard for me to imagine that so many of the habits and practices that seem like second nature to me are discarded as unnecessary fluff by others. Too many people are moving through the world without any practices to anchor them, and it shows in the rising rates of mental illness and burnout.
A glance at the scientific literature reveals that these practices are not “soft skills” as many have mislabeled them but, in fact, power habits that predict personal and professional success, both on an individual and organizational level.
Are you looking to improve your relationships, increase satisfaction, and enhance the quality of your work? You may think that the way to arrive at these goals is to focus narrowly on the outcomes you wish to achieve. I recall a time when I was driven by external markers of success at the cost of my own well-being. I failed to set boundaries around working hours, even to the point of forgetting to eat or drink water. Even after researching and teaching these skills, I still slip up sometimes, because as a mom and entrepreneur, I’m busy! Yes, I sometimes take shortcuts and lose sight of what is most important, but I always come back to these habits as a matter of self-preservation. Decades of supporting research suggest that these habits create long lasting well-being so that we can achieve and sustain our goals.
Mindfulness: I consider mindfulness as a foundational skill for any personal or professional goal. If I could just extract one message from the decades of research on psychology and consciousness to share with the world, it’s that our brains are not fool-proof. Every human should be trained to be skeptical of their own perception of reality. We bring a series of biases to any moment and it behooves us to slow down and examine the nature of our internal world. Research by Amishi Jha suggests that 12 minutes a day is the minimum amount of time needed for meditation to produce cognitive improvements. That doesn’t seem like much to ask, but in our mentally crowded world, we can even look to micro moments of mindfulness to help us reset. Just spending 5 minutes breathing consciously, listening to calming music without screens, or stepping outside to appreciate nature can be revolutionary in times of struggle. Pay attention to the moments in the day when you naturally drift off or lose focus, as these are indicators that you could benefit from a cognitive reset. If we all practiced 1 minute of mindfulness every time we had the inclination to scroll online, we would find ourselves in a drastically more connected and joyful world.
Gratitude: One of the biases wired into our human mind is the negativity bias, or the tendency to disproportionately focus on and remember negative events. Another related tendency of the mind that gets in the way of life satisfaction is hedonic adaptation, or the tendency to quickly acclimate to life events. In other words, the joy we feel when we buy something or accomplish something tends to be transitory. Gratitude is the best way to override these tendencies of mind that stand in the way of happiness. We can experience gratitude on a macro level, like just being grateful to be alive (which is often the insight revealed when we encounter illness or death) or gratitude can be felt on the micro level (like a perfect cup of coffee). Try starting your day thinking of 3 things you feel grateful for and notice how the quality of your experience begins to shift.
Compassion: A practice of compassion, reflecting on the state of the universal humanity in all of us, also helps combat our biased and unpleasant experience of reality. Compassion can be implemented in our perception of others, maybe giving a bit more grace to a friend or colleague that made a mistake or does something that irritates us, and compassion can be applied to how we view ourselves. The practice of compassion is about giving ourselves credit, acknowledging and validating moments of struggle, and imparting care. While many mislabel compassion as “soft,” this practice is actually demonstrated to make us more emotionally strong, boosting resilience, helping us cope and rise again after difficult moments.
Mindful Listening: Giving our full attention to others, especially during important conversations can be a life-changing practice with huge implications. For example, one study found that one of the greatest predictors of medical malpractice lawsuits was whether or not people feel adequately heard or understood. Next time you find yourself in an important conversation with someone, try putting away all distractions, listening before judging or speaking, notice their body and nonverbal communication, ask clarifying questions, nod and give encouraging body language, and try repeating or restating what you hear. We often have the misconception that our role in conflict is to fix or prove something, but really the most important thing we can do is listen.
Mindful Communication: Listening goes hand in hand with mindful communication. Understanding the power of our words to connect or alienate. Next time you are ready for an important conversation, get clear on your intention for what you would like to convey and think about the best way to say what you need to so that someone else can actually understand you. Be concise and direct, but be kind. You may even run it by another person or AI to try to refine your language and make it palatable and effective.
Intention: The brain is incredibly skilled at automating behavior so we don’t have to waste precious cognitive resources on thinking so much. This is precisely why so many of us wake up and proceed with the day’s event with little to no thought about what we want to do or why we are doing it. Expert facilitator Priya Parker suggests that the most important aspect of any gathering is to have a clearly defined purpose. I would argue that this is true for any given day, even if it is spent entirely alone. Try reflecting at the beginning and end of each day to consider 1) what you hope to accomplish and feel and 2) how your intention was met or diverted and what you learned. We can revise our intentions as we learn more every day. This practice helps us reclaim our attention and create more focus in our day.
Purpose: Our daily habits, skills and talents, past life events, and goals for the future are interconnected through the thread of purpose. What motivates us to show up and keep working towards our goals? Perhaps it is our sense of family, our work and mission, or some larger value that inspires us. Some folks seem to have an innate sense of purpose, but most of us have to do some deep exploration to excavate our purpose. Once we can articulate what drives us, we can tap into more energy and motivation to do the things we want to do, warding off the temptation or be lazy or give up, and keep on going, even in the face of challenges and failures.
Community: We thrive in connection with others. We now live in a world where a drone can deliver us whatever we need and we can opt out of most things that require effort. The cost of convenience is that we lose connection with each other. Former Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, brought our attention to the problem of the loneliness epidemic. Loneliness is quite literally killing us. We have to push past convenience to create opportunities to be together IRL. Invite a neighbor over for dinner, chat with a stranger at a cafe, get to know a little more about your coworker. It just might save your life.
These skills are not just here to serve you when things are going well and you are in a good headspace. If you can create consistency and practice them even in times of struggle, you will see the best results possible.